“So who here is afraid of water, heights, spiders or snakes?” our guide Sean from the Margaret River Wine & Discovery Tour Co. asks our group.

I raise a finger gingerly. “Is there a biking component because you’ve just listed all the things that I can’t do except for bike riding”. He is not joking. I am clearly going to be out of my depth today.

Canooooeing!

And by depth I mean water depth. We are on a combination of Sean’s most popular two tours, a discovery tour and a Wine Maker’s tour. We will start the morning off with a canoe ride down Margaret River. “By river, it’s a bit overstated” Sean from Margaret River Discovery tours says. His tour happens to be the top tour for the Margaret River on trip advisor and he has exclusive access to certain parts of the river including this canoeing portion. And according to Sean, a vast percentage of locals and West Australians have never actually stepped foot on the Margaret River itself.

Brian the editor from News Ltd’s Escape (who wrote his story about our trip here) pipes up and tells us that every time he has been on a canoe it tips over without fail citing his body shape as a reason for why (long body, short legs). Which of course means that Sean pairs Brian and I up together. I look at my canoe buddy with some trepidation. Would we prove the rules wrong? Sean offers up a morsel of hope that he will be in the canoe too and tells us in the entire time that he has held these, he has never had one tip over. So I have the opposing forces of Brian vs Sean at play. And I am the meat in the sandwich-and I was never a fan of soggy sandwiches.

We make our way in the Land Rover to the banks of the river and don our life jackets. Before we get in the canoe he tells us a few golden rules in order to avoid ending up in the water (don’t stand up or move suddenly in the opposite direction) before we board the canoe and he gently pushes us into the river. There are three canoes and two pairs go in the other two canoes and I take the “Pochohontas” position in the centre (i.e. the “do nothing” one). It’s clear that I am not in any position to steer the canoe.

We glide out onto the water and watch as schools of mullet swim under the water. One flicks its tail up in the water and the rest glide past us. We spot a Pukeko or a swamp hen and an eagle’s nest but most of the action is in the water. The river is abundantly full of fish which is all edible and despite the promised cyclone, the water is calm and flat and it could not be more ideal for our adventure.

And with an enormous sigh of relief there is no upturned canoe, no soggy wet threesome shivering on the banks of the Margaret River and we keep Sean’s record of no overboards intact. We then make our way to one of the most well known wineries in the area. Wine making in the Margaret River has only been around for the past 40 years. Prior to that surfing was what the area was known for whereas now wine and food sits alongside the surfing. There were five “Founding Father” wineries: Vasse Felix, Cape Mentelle, Cullen, Mosswood and Leeuwin but now there are 10-15 top class wineries and over 100 cellar doors in the area. Although less than 3% of the total of Australian wine is produced in this region, about 30% of premium wine is produced here which is why it has such a great reputation.

Cape Mentelle was started by David Hohner who was formerly of the Cloudy Bay label and it was now owned by huge conglomerate LVMH. We make our way to the Warcliffe winery where there are 100 hectares of vines growing and Robert gives us an overview of operations. Their farming and horticultural principles are based on long term and organic and biodynamic principles although they are no certified so.

When the vintage is over, they let a 300 head herd of sheep loose to eat up all of the leaves to fatten up in this fenced off area. He explains what it is that makes the region so unique to wine and the main thing is the consistent temperature-it never exceeds 1c-30C and this is no doubt partially due to the Indian ocean that blows the coastal breezes throughout the area. They also has a low vigor soil with a low yield and low humidity.

Older style French oak barrels

He shows us where the grapes are processed and then stored in the French and American oak barrels. The new French oak barrels are bought for approximately $1400 each and they use them for a period of 4 years (industry averages are 4-10 years). After that they are passed onto artists or sold back to Bunnings for $50 each. They use the French oak somewhat for flavour but mostly for oxidisation and the inside of the barrels are charred to “toast” the wood and they use a medium toast. And during the tour he quizzes us constantly about yields of wine and all sorts of wine minutiae and of course we are constantly failing. You see we are getting the ultimate wine nerd’s tour for the complete and utter wine enthusiast but none of us are quite at that level.

We adjourn to a room that has been set up for a food and wine tasting. We will get to try various foods with six of their wines which you can book these tastings through Margaret River Wine & Discovery Tours or through Cape Mentelle directly.

Looking at the colour of the wine against a white background

Delicious goodies

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At the risk of sounding a little Hannibal Lecter-y here how I’d imagine I would be featured on a menu.

“Snack sized, well fed (mostly free range ,organic) female human, massaged frequently for even fat distribution. Inactive and butter fed for buttery, tender meat.”

I’d perhaps be the wagyu of humans. This is why I might be the perfect bait for sharks and why the idea of stepping into the ocean terrifies me. But somehow, by the beauty of the underwater world, Mr NQN can’t keep me out of the water.

Allow me to rewind a little.

We arrived only a few hours ago via a flight into Cairns and took a short car ride to the Hinterland airport where we boarded Hinterland Aviation’s flight to Lizard Island. On our flight are another couple from overseas. In fact 80% of the customers are from overseas and given the tariffs they are of the well heeled variety. Lizard Island is a national park and spans 1013 ha and has 24 sandy beaches to its name. It is the place where Prince William and Kate Middleton were rumoured to be honeymooning. It is located 240kms from Cairns and 27km off the the coast of tropical North Queensland. It is remote, beautiful and it is exclusive. It is also paradise.

The dress code reads: barefoot casual. Mr NQN extends a wide grin. He has finally found his place-a place that understands his love of walking everywhere barefoot. It took me about eight hours to get used to the solitude and accompanying lack of connectivity to the rest of the world and about as many to get used to the fact that this is a keyless resort. I quite frequently go without make up but internet? Hmmm I’m not familiar with being out of touch. I blame hectic city life for the poor time adjustment. The lack of internet is a tactic in order to get guests to relax and I can imagine that there is much frantic checking of phone signals before the seduction begins. Firstly there’s the plane ride in, an hour over beautiful coral reefs in a small plane that seats twelve.

Mr Goanna I shall name you Crunky! Just because you look like your name should be Crunky…

And then there are the greetings from the enormous goannas that populate the island, aptly named Lizard Island. They’re enormous, muscly looking beasts and stare defiantly and warily at passers by. You can catch them digging holes so efficiently that the sound resembles a gardener with a large shovel. Or they may pass you by swinging their almighty tails behind in opposite time to their bottoms.

We check into our rooms where we can slide the sign for privacy-there are no keys here (although there is a small safe for valuables). We are staying in an Anchor Bay suite facing  Anchor Bay in suite number 25 which is a great location right near Ospreys restaurant and the Beach Club. The suite is is sizeable and contains many trappings of the luxurious. We like.

I know it sounds spoilt but I’m getting used to seeing Bose sound systems and pillow menus by now but here there is also a very generous complimentary mini bar with macadamia nuts, Pringles, chocolates and alcohol including wine and beers provided plus the. best. chocolate. chip. cookies. you. could. dream. up. When checking in, they ask us to let them if there is anything in particular that we like to enjoy and they will ensure that this is restocked. However with these cookies, after eating four of these while writing the story I contemplate asking them not to refill it on their daily clean because I cannot be trusted with them.

There are Aesop products (no body lotion but there is soap, liquid body cleanser, shampoo and conditioner) as well as lemon myrtle soap, bath robes and slippers. There isn’t a bath in any of the villas but there is a two person shower with two shower heads (monsoon and massage head) and both fans and air conditioning. My thing is my luggage, when I travel I really hate carrying heavy bags and when we check in I have to ask where it is. It has apparently all been taken care of and is sitting in our room.

The outside balcony spans the side of the whole suite and has a large day bed as well as chairs and a coffee table and sits right on the beach so the sand is just past the grass below the balcony steps. There is no television in the rooms as reception is limited because of Lizard Island’s remote location. There is a large flat screen tv in the guest lounge where there are the daily newspapers, local and interstate as well as current magazines and wireless internet access. In the room I check for mobile signal. They weren’t kidding, there is none. I’m anxious as its a Friday and no doubt my inbox is filling up with its daily quota of 200+ emails that will go unanswered.

Given that Sydney is getting chillier by the day and I was on the verge of getting the dreaded flu that seems to be going around, I’ve just discovered the best cure for it. Arrive at a tropical island! In fact when we were invited by the nice people at Travel Candy and Lizard Island I was already packing before I had finished my acceptance email. The heat is pure bliss which we bathe in gratefully and fling our Autumnal gear off for (the average year round temperature is 27C/80F) and the humidity around this time of the year is perfect-enough to make your skin nice but not enough so you just want to do nothing all day and sap your strength.  We relax with a tropical juice welcome drink which is refreshing and slightly tart with passionfruit.

Guest lounge and pool

My stomach is complaining to me. You see we rose at 4am to get the 6am flight to Cairns and my stomach was wondering what on earth was going on. So we make our way to the restaurant where we will have lunch.

The executive chef at Lizard Island Mark Jensen is an award winning chef who earned two hats in the Good Food Guide and has worked here and overseas. The menu at the restaurant changes daily and during the day the meals are lighter serves. All meals from breakfast, lunch and dinner are included in the tariff and there is a very generous selection of cocktails, wines, spirits and French champagne included in the price or some additional ones can be purchased for extra.

We start with some mocktails. The Antz Pantz is Mr NQN’s choice with mango, pineapple, orange juice and raspberries and isn’t bad although it is slightly too much on the tart side with the generous use of raspberries. My lychee hurricane is redolent in mint and lemon and ginger ale as well as lychees and is much more balanced and refreshing with lychees, lemon, grapefruit juice, mint and dry ginger ale.

Ricotta gnocchi, wild mushrooms, gremolata, parmesan and pesto

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