“Hi,I have a dried snake penis to declare” I said to the woman at customs.
“Oh no problem, do you want to show me?” the customs officer said. I hesitated-had she heard me correctly?
I should explain, a dried snake appendage is not my normal cargo. I was just in Hong Kong and having tried a local delicacy of snake soup, I was then offered a dried snake penis to take home with me. Of course I was going to declare it but I was nevertheless nervous as I thought of that television show, Border Security. Mr NQN’s colleague’s wife works on the show and apparently they only film in the early morning as that is when the flights from Asia and Africa tend to come in and they tend to be rich with potential footage for the show.
So when I arrived at customs in Sydney at 7:30am, I gulped when I saw the sign telling me that they were filming Border Security. Not wanting to be “the snake penis lady” I tried to make as little fuss as possible. I was looking around my bag for it (and yes a dried snake penis is quite small so it’s easy to lose).
“So they’re just dried snake beans?” the woman asked as I was sifting through bags trying to find it.
“Errm no, it’s a dried snake penis” I clarified softly, aware that I was surrounded by other passengers.
“Snake peas?” she said.
I cleared my throat and said “no… dried penis” speaking a little louder than intended. The middle aged moustached man beside me looked at me in abject alarm and recoiled physically, his expression clearly saying that he thought that I had some sort of dried human penis in my luggage. Either that or I was declaring that I had a penis, I’m not sure…
“Oh!” the customs officer said, raising her eyebrows. I explained that I was writing about the food of Hong Kong and we had gone on a local’s tour and tried snake soup and snake penis seemed like…well the natural progression. To her credit she didn’t flinch but she did laugh and say “Oh this would be good for Border Security!”
Well, something that thankfully provoked the opposite reaction was my mention of the caulislaw on Tuesday’s post on what I eat. I make a big batch of it at the beginning of the week and it lasts for a few days, staying crunchy til the very end. I first thought of doing it when a head of cabbage at the markets was double the price of cauliflower. Having eaten a cauliflower slaw at a cafe, I decide to give it a go and use cauliflower in place of cabbage in my usual coleslaw recipe.
Mr NQN always tells me that you want simple and healthy recipes although I thought that these weren’t quite blog worthy. But the response after Tuesday’s post was instant. So many Dear Readers tweeted, emailed and messaged me asking for the recipe so here it is. It’s simple, it’s delicious, it’s pretty healthy and makes a lot of coleslaw that keeps for a day or two so it’s a great snack for when you’re feeling like something crunchy but still relatively healthy. You can also add in grated beetroot to this if you want to add some additional goodness and to colour it pink. And don’t throw away the vegetable scraps-they make a great vegetable stock!
A dried snake penis. In case you are curious…
Oh and if you’re interested, the dried snake penis actually got through customs. It was just a single one although if you’re importing commercial quantities, you will have issues bringing it in. And thankfully, I never got my 5 minutes of infamy on Border Security-phew! “You don’t fit the profile for a Border Security person” the customs officer told me. When I asked her what the profile was she jerked her thumb towards the slow moving queue and said “the people that don’t declare stuff, even if it is embarrassing!”
So tell me Dear Reader, what is the strangest thing that you’ve brought through customs? Do you think that customs is too strict or are they right to be stringent? And do you prefer easy recipes or more challenging ones?
Caulislaw or Cauliflower Coleslaw
An Original Recipe by Not Quite Nigella
Serves 4 as a side
Preparation time: 10 minutes
- 1/2 a cauliflower (about 550grams)
- 2 medium carrots (about 180grams)
- 1/2 cup sultanas
- 1/2 red onion
- 1/2 bunch of parsley
- 4 tablespoons mayonnaise
- 2 tablespoons low fat milk
- 1/2-1 tablespoon mustard (depending on how hot your mustard is)
- Juice of half a lemon
- salt and pepper to taste
1. Grate the carrots into a large bowl (you can peel these first but I like to keep the skin on, just wash them well). Then remove the green and stem from the cauliflower and with a large knife, slice thinly. Add this to the bowl. Slice the onion thinly and add this to the mix and with two spoons, mix the vegetables so that they are evenly distributed.
The dressing
2. In a bowl, add the mayonnaise, milk and mustard and using a small whisk or fork to combine. Pour this in two batches over the shredded vegetables and toss between additions. Add the lemon, salt and pepper and toss some more to combine and taste for seasoning. I like this best when it has sat for a little while but you can eat it straight away too.
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69 Comments | Add your own
I like both the quick recipes and some of the challenging ones. I don’t like things to be too complicated but I don’t mind things that take a day or two to make. When I told a male friend recently that it took two days to make my tzatziki he almost didn’t believe me and wanted an explanation.
I am very intrigued by the cauliflower slaw. I am also wondering if you are going to use that penis in some recipe… Are you? Where?
Yay! I’ve been hanging out for this recipe and we even have some cauliflower in the fridge! My husbands best friend was recently on the show about Tiger Airways, as he was carrying on and making a fuss (rightly so), because his flight from Melbourne to Tassie was cancelled and he wasnt told. It was pretty funny to see him on the ads!
Yum, I’ll have some caulislaw please, but hold the snake penis.
Oh yum, I adore slaw and often add apple or radish or celeriac to it but had never thought of cauliflower!!! Brilliant!
Your snake penis story is so funny! We saw the same sign when arriving from the US recently, all I could think of act straight and I wasn’t even trying to bring in reptile privates into the country! LOL
What makes me curious is what you can make with a snake penis???? How do you eat something like that. And it’s pretty long too, the “thing”, for a snake. Like white vanillabeans or something….very odd indeed…:-)
Definitely one to try. I have a similarly easy grated broccoli salad- raw broc, craisin, toasted almonds, spanish onion buttermilk and mayo.YUM!
YAY
you finally posted it! I was really interested because I have never heard of a cauliflower slaw and never knew that you could eat cauliflower raw woo hoo ~
I’m going to make this tomorrow and take it to work and add maybe a boiled egg.
And wow I can’t believe the snake penis went through! Are you going to cook with it?
The weirdest thing I brought with me was a snake skin lol because my uncle gave it to me
An acorn was the most exciting thing I ever brought though Customs, Lorraine. Nothing as exotic as your little number. Interesting recipe. I have lots of home grown caulis at the moment, so I might try this one.
Yum! That looks great Lorraine.
Simple recipes are always loved, but I do like a multi layered challenge now and then, which I have to today…eek!
You definitely would’ve been infamous for 5 minutes had you been on Border Security for 5 minutes! It definitely would have been a laugh
This coleslaw looks amazing! Normally I’d use cabbage instead of the cauliflower but you’ve opened my eyes to try something new (:
Haha, that story is too funny! I can only imagine the potential awkwardness! As for the coleslaw, I’m glad you shared the recipe – I was curious about it too!
Thank you. I bought a cauliflower yesterday & thought I should have asked you for the recipe you offered to post. Thank you again.
Theresa I want an explanation re the 2 day Tzatziki!
LOL though I presume it was to strain yoghurt perhaps? Anyway, love the cauli-slaw recipe Lorraine. After I read your post the other day I wanted to try it straight away. I winged it with just idea and instead of red onion and sultanas I used chopped spring onion. I used mayo, Greek yoghurt, Dijon, cider vinegar and lots of chopped Dill in the dressing and paired it with a butterflied roasted peri peri chicken. Thanks for the inspiration!
Hi
Can’t wait to try this recipe but not a huge fan of mustard. What would you recommend as an alternative?
Theresa I want an explanation for the two day Tzatziki!
LOL though I presume it may be to strain yoghurt. Great recipe Lorraine. I couldn’t wait to try this after I read your food-for-a-day post last week so I winged it. I used chopped spring onion instead of sultanas and red onion and the dressing had mayo, Greek yoghurt, Dijon, cider vinegar and loads of chopped dill. Paired with roasted piri piri chicken it was delicious! Thanks for the inspiration!
I would have loved to witness that. I’ve never brought anything too embarassing back but my mum bought a walking stick made of dried bull appendage. That was quite a while ago before Border Security days!
So when will be seeing your national TV debut? I hate that show…I’m always paranoid I’ll get on it even though the only food I bring in from overseas are lollies, chips and Campbell’s Clam Chowder in a tin.
… NQN, what are you going to do with that dried snake penis now that you got it through customs? If you don’t mind me asking?
Lorraine your CaulSlaw salad is a winner for me! The only strange thing that came through customs was…….ME!!! hahaha…No customs are very strict & always should be! don’t know how you meanaged to get your “snake peas’ through though!And I don;t mind a challenging recipe every now and then depending on the supplies I have in my pantry & fridge! God bless Lorrz!!!
I prefer stringent security checks to keep our country safe, secure and pest free. I have always declared everything. Once on a trip back from Indonesia I proudly presented my souvenirs for inspection, including three small handwoven baskets with lids. Customs waved me through with a smile. Once home I unpacked the baskets and pulled off the lids to peer inside. They were filled with tiny spider webs. I screamed and grabbed the Baygon.
Give me an easy recipe anyday. BTW – will you be introducing some Christmas ideas into your post soon. Already planning ahead.
Great recipe. I was hoping you would post it–looks easy and tasty. I didn’t even know snakes had penises…truly. My mother’s ashes raised a few eyebrows, but not in Mexcio, they just patted me and sympathized. No such thing in the US, where they are a bit over the top. Sometimes justified, often not. I appreciate easy recipes, but love a challenge as well.
this looks refreshing and perfect for this weather! glad you didnt end up on border security tho!
This is a delightful recipe which will be made time and again, I am certain, once caulis come back in season! I daresay with yogurt!! Thanks
! Love your snake penis story: actually it would have been very cute on ‘Border Security’ 
! Very much approve of the stringency of our border patrols: wish they had more staff!! In my stupider days I remember phoning our Embassy in KL ’cause I had bought half-a-wallful of mounted Malaysian butterflies for our poolroom wall: was told to declare & all was fine with the world. Just as well a certain packet of very ‘naughty photos’ was not found in my husband’s coat pocket coming home from wicked London in the days we were very young and even stupider: we were very welcome dinner guests everywhere for months later 
!
Bwahaha. I can so see you being on Border Security as the “snake penis lady”. I remember seeing the signs for the filming after coming back from Vietnam last year and was equally nervous although the most potential thing we had was weasel coffee beans (as in coffee beans that have passed through a weasel
).
This recipe looks delicious and I just so happen to have all the ingredients at home. Methinks this could be a good summer favourite!
Thanks NQN – I’m very much a fan of the easy recipes. Love simple cooking and short cuts. Keep up the fantastic site.
To be honest my friend, for some reason I never associated snakes with penises… Weird but true
Learn something new everyday!
This recipe is definitely something I would rather learn though it looks delish
Cheers
Choc Chip Uru
I LOVE the customs people! You get off a flight and get in the queue to have them poke through your bags (we always have something to declare) and they are kind, funny and welcoming when you’re too pooped to care.
This caulislaw looks yummy.
I’ve never been a fan of Cauliflower unless it is saturated in a cheesy sauce of some kind (even just a slice of plastic wrapped processed cheese ‘singles’)But I have discovered the flavour and the joy of so many vegetables eaten raw. The crunch coupled with the individual juice each vegie can give is delicious compared to the over steamed or boiled stuff (or mush) I remember being served as a kid!(Sorry mum….)
Oh Lorraine… That’s so funny. I learn something new everyday. I’ve never seen dried snake penis before or snake penis of any kind to be honest but now at least I’ve seen one…
That’s fabulous but disappointing. I definitely would have tuned in if I knew you were going to embarrass yourself on Boarder Security. What a shame you don’t fit the profile! I wonder if that man still thinks you have a penis! And we just need a ruler in that image of the penis so we can work out the actual size! xx
I love both challenging and easy recipes, you need easy recipes for when you are busy and you something yummy in a hurry.
Hahaha oh wow, that dried snake penis is quite alarming!
As a reader, I love seeing easy recipes you’d make on any given day!
Would omitting the sultanas affect the overall tastiness of this caulislaw?
Thank you so much for the recipe.
Am on my way to doing this!!!
Have had a number of wonderful laughs during a break from work! Forgot about the recipes: For easy dishes one would not need a recipe surely? Love ‘attacking’ those ‘complicated’ and discovering textures and flavours as yet unexperienced
! Have had another look at that snake penis, which I am certain, is still there for ‘show-and-tell’, and wondered, with a huge smile, about the pleasures experienced in the snake kingdom 
! Huh . . . better not . . . And, am sorry Border Security was not interested: since you were 100% legal, sugar, what glorious PR . . .:D !
This salad looks wonderful, particularly with summer coming on! As there’s a lot of mustard, would you please let me know what type you use? Dijon’s not hot, so it can’t be what you use….
I truly did burst out laughing when I read the first line of this post! I’m curious as to what exactly you’re going to do with the dried snake penis?
Thanks for the slaw recipe! I might add some flaked smoked salmon to it as well.
Hi Jennifer! I usually use a mustard that I make myself and the recipe is here. For one batch, I used a store bought mustard but I’m just away at the moment so I can’t remember the brand name. With the mustard, I’d use whatever suits your taste, it can be quite hot if you like it hot (I prefer it medium strength as too hot can overtake the other flavours)
.
Dear Lorraine,
It might be half the fun watching you on Border Security
Do you know what species the snake is? The pic looks like some twig from the garden so I guess a python is unlikely
So now that you’ve got the dried penis – what are you going to do with it?? There is turtle soup, so how about snake penis soup? hehe…
Hi everyone! Thanks for all of your comments! The dried snake penis is meant for male virility. I don’t know if I’d go for it necessarily but it’s an interesting conversation point!
this looks like a summery, quick meal/side dish. I think it would be perfect for a picnic.
Love your story about the snake penis. Will you be cooking with it soon?
thanks for posting your recipe! i made it tonight and the salad was beautiful! i just changed one thing – i used plain low fat yoghurt instead of mayo to make it a bit healthier
Hi Helen! YAY I’m so pleased that you liked it and thanks so much for letting us all know how the plain low fat yogurt version worked-I’m definitely giving that a go next time!!
I love caulislaw, and what a funny funny story. I love the kind of situation where somebody total mishears what you say.
I LOVE reading simple, yummy recipes. I’m always looking for inspiration for quick and easy things I can throw together at the end of a long day, so this sort of thing is perfect. I’m definitely keen to try your caulislaw – looks delicious, especially with the sultanas
Haha that’s gold! Would have been quite amusing to see that play out on Border Security though
I never get checked, but I always put my food into one bag so it’s easier to declare.
Loving the recipe, would be great for a picnic
Seriously… I couldn’t eat anything that had a reptile of any kind in it.
Brave girl!
LoL! I would liked to have been a fly on the wall and been in customs with you.
This slaw sounds awesome.
Thanks for sharing it.
Have a Joyful Day :~D
Charlie
Hi Kayla! You can just remove the mustard and leave it with the mayonnaise and milk instead-for some tang, you can add some yogurt instead of mayonnaise as reader Helen. I hope that helps!
I love Border Security and I watch it most mornings. The penis is a lot longer than I thought it would be. I’m going to have to ask my stepson if his snake is a male
that image was…not what i expected.
That is certainly not what I expected a dried snake penis to look like. It’s rather long isn’t it?
The slaw sound delicious as I expected. I will make some for dinner tonight!
The weirdest thing I brought through customs wasn’t weird at all, the customs guard just wanted a look. It was before they really weighed your luggage and I brought a cast iron pan from Chicago.
OH Lorraine, you made me laugh, seriously, snake penis?!
Ok, ok, breath… I wonder what would it become, I hope to see some food made out of it on your blog. Simple recipes seems to be in high demand lately, I recently got a few too. I love your caulislaw, has a wonderful color and sure it tastes great!
hehehe, snake… penis… hehehehehe..
Now there is a phrase you don’t hear everyday! LOL. The cauliflower slaw looks really good.
I have met interesting custom officers
One who told me the best way to get rid of cold sores and pimples! I have declared almost every time, I do bring food and some gifts which I am not sure if it is allowed. I prefer Australia to remain as safe as it can be. And the cauliflower looks lovely in the salad. A good change from cabbage as I am sick of eating cabbage lol!
I’ve been hoping you’d post this, going to try it asap
Snake penis ..UGH!
How funny if you had made it onto TV though?!
I loved your story & your recipe
ha ha ha I love the story. I never told this to anyone but I did smuggle ivory bracelets into Paris from Nigeria (and if customs shows up here I’ll know who told on me) by carrying them inside my shirt. A long time ago. Other than that? My husband smuggled a puppy into France from Morocco before we were married. I’ll tell you how that went another day. It was comic. And thanks for this excellent, flavorful slaw recipe! I just said last night to husband that we don’t eat cabbage and cauliflower often enough – and this would be the best vehicle for both!
OMG…snake penis? seriously?…ja,ja,ja…
Well, Latin people used to bring food to other countries, in case of Peruvians, it’s common to try to cross US Custom with a sort of food that you can imagine (of course, never a snake penis). When I used to travel, the only thing that I told to my family is that would never try to cross custom with food (I have family in US), never. And I never did.
THANK YOU for your cauliflower colslaw recipe, what do you call it caulislaw? How unique and it sounds delicious. I am going to add currants instead of sultanas as hubby will eat currants. Perfect for lunches or dinner, this will be a taste sensation. Your snake penis story is so funny, it is a peculiar looking object (sorry gentleman). When we first went to Fiji, years ago, we declared wooden carvings on our return. The customs officer just checked they were not natural but he was more curious as to why we had two tennis racquets in my case. I explained we had taken them over not realising how hot it was in Fiji over winter and had only used them twice (we are fussy about using our own racquets). He was a little dubious, and asked so many questions, but after they were safely scanned, he let us pass. Since then, we have hired racquets everywhere we go!
haha oh Lorraine how funny!! one the look of this recipe. I always dread going through customs!!
Heidi xo
Great variant ton coleslaw, cauliflower is so HOT right now. dried snake penis? OK :-S And you cook with this. Don’t remember weird custom stories but I have twice breached national security by accident (London) and on purpose (Peru). Long story!
Now that you’ve posted this scrumptious caulislaw recipe, we are awaiting for the snake penis recipe. Demanding much?
I wish I could have been there to hear that! Too funny. The customs folks do have a sense of humor, though. I remember long ago writing a story about what things weren’t allowed into the U.S. I called the customs office to talk to an official. He said, “So, you probably wonder what happens to the stuff we confiscate, right?” Then, he deadpanned, “We eat the good stuff when nobody’s looking!” He was kidding. And it was good for a laugh.
Ha! That’s hilarious. It actually looks bigger than I thought it would, but that might just be the picture. The slaw looks really yummy. I love cauliflower!
Thank you, you just gave me an idea of what to make with that huge cauliflower I have in my fridge. I have all the ingredients in my kitchen already, so it is perfect. I love it when you post simple and quick recipes as they are the ones I usually end up making over and over again.
Finally made this today – yummo! I used some purple carrot as well which gave it a lovely colour. I also substituted the sultanas for currants which was nice. Thanks for the recipe!
LOVE this recipe, I don’t think I have ever purchased cauliflower until I saw this recipe and now I can’t get enough of it. I always want to make a batch of salad to bring to work but find that most don’t keep well, I have made this several times now for dinner (just had some tonight) and have enough for 2 lunches. On day 2 still crunchy and fresh, this is going to be a summer staple. Thanks so much Lorraine:)
Hi Little Miss Food and Stefanie! I’m so glad that you guys have tried it and liked it! I crave it sometimes when I don’t have it. I also make it with other vegetables if cauliflower is hard to find or expensive. It’s quite versatile! Thank you guys for letting me know!
xxx
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