Someone once left a karaoke microphone behind at our place (if I were to hazard a guess when it was probably one of our theme nights) but since it doesn’t connect to anything I use it to annoy Mr NQN by pretending to interview him and sing to him. I think he has hearing like a dog because his face cringes whenever anyone but certain people with perfect pitch sing. And that means that whenever I emerge from the study bedroom ready to sing at him he looks as though in pain.

That’s because I cannot sing.

Sometimes he puts up with it for longer but sometimes he gives me a look that says “enough!” One evening I was making a jam and waiting for it to boil and I was killing time while waiting for it to finish. A recent trip was postponed due to a cyclone so I found myself at home alone for most of the day. I tend to get so excited when there’s an actual human in front of me so I talk a million miles an hour. So I combined the two and interviewed Mr NQN on my karaoke microphone about the jam.

Let me tell you about this jam or really, a preserve. From Macedonia, slatko as it is known, is a jam made up of the white part of the watermelon that we usually discard. I first tried it at an Elliott gathering. Our brother in law Laporello is Croatian and his parents came over to cook for their wedding. One day when we dropped something off, his mum was making this with the summer fruit that we had a glut of and I was fascinated by how unusual and delicious it was.

He tells us that you have a tablespoon of it first thing in the morning with a glass of water or very bitter coffee.  It is extremely sweet (the name slatko translates into sweet) and it is also made with cherries and apricots but since we have so much watermelon at the moment I wanted to try it with that.

There was the bonus of making something out of something that would have been discarded. I hate to waste food (see banana skin cake) and if it is perfectly edible I’m willing to try and see what it tastes like. The sample that Laporello’s mum gave me was so delicious I wanted to make it again. So one hot summer’s day I sliced up the watermelon separating the white (pith) and green (rind) from the red part (best to slice it before teeth get into it for sanitary reasons) and then cut it up.

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Dearest Reader, did you know that I spent the first six years of my life upside down?

Every day when my father would come home from work he would find me, upside down, my head buried in the soft cushion of the couch. Every night, when we would gather in the lounge room to watch television while my father popped sunflower seeds in his mouth from a large jar and my mother knitted rhythmically *click clack, click clack* and my sister sat quietly, there I would be, upside down.

“Her brain will dislodge” my parents said to each other.

“Just make sure her school marks don’t go down” they said eyeing me.

Then, after six years, a girl at school told me that I would break my neck if I spent so much time upside down. It seemed logical enough-a spindly neck surely couldn’t hold up a body and frightened, I decided that being right side up was probably the sensible thing to do.

What’s my point? Well six years is a long time to do anything. And six years is the amount of time it took me to perfect this tuna dip recipe. Why six years on a tuna dip? I should explain that it wasn’t six consistent years trying to make this dip. A friend of mine Teena used to bring a tuna dip to our place for dinner parties. I loved it so much and assumed that she made it so every time when she’d ask what she could bring I’d mention the tuna dip. Then one day she brought it in the container that it came in and I realised that a) she didn’t make it and b) that it was really expensive because she bought it at a Woollahra deli. So feeling guilty about having asked for it I didn’t ask her to bring it again and sought to make my own.

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My friends and I were talking one day at an article that recently appeared on The Smoking Gun about singer Katy Perry’s rider. A rider for those that don’t know, is a list that someone puts together of a celebrity’s must haves. In Katy Perry’s rider she had: Finncrisp, fresh cut crudites, organic fruit, pinot grigio, pretzels and a list of other items. She also specified the type of furniture that she wanted – two French ornate floor lamps, a refrigerator with a glass door if you’re curious. Apart from this she also needed the Presidential suite at a 5 star hotel, 5 junior suites and 45 rooms for her people. And absolutely NO CARNATIONS.

We giggled, after all a part of us thinks if you get called a diva are you expected to come up with a huge list of things?. Do you sit down with your friends and debate about whether to add “neutered Zebra” or “cross eyed unicorn” to the list? Or do you already have your list of wants and desires and a tantrum worthy of a 2 year old ready to explode if you don’t get the right things or the right brand? We asked each other what our riders would be and it turns out we were of much simpler tastes. One friend asked me what I would have and I answered “A super fast wireless connection, sparkling mineral water with fresh lime, something to crunch on and REAL butter. Oh and I will take the Presidential suite too if you’re asking.”

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