So apparently I’m exasperating when I’m bored. So says Mr NQN and my attempts at doing nothing and trying to relax over the weekend have resulted in irritation and annoyance from Mr NQN. And you know those moments when you know that you’re being annoying but can’t help it or don’t care? Yes, that was me.
“Hiiiiiii. What are you doing?” I’d say to Mr NQN for the tenth time that day. He was sitting on the couch playing with the latest gadget.
“Fiiiine, just busy” he’d say eyeing me suspiciously lest this develop into an actual conversation.
I took the hint.
I picked up my phone. Mr NQN’s trickstering has rubbed off on me and his mother Tuulikki had talked endlessly about Mr NQN’s niece Aura Lily and what a little genius she was. Apparently Aura Lily had sent her texts, called her at times, deleted things from her iPad which were well hidden and hard to find and was pretty much an almost functioning adult at 14 months. So Mr NQN and I started texting Tuulikki under the guise of Aura. Mr NQN had switched my contact details in Tuulikki’s phone to say “Aura” while she wasn’t paying attention which was surprisingly easy. I decided to model Aura on a mix of Jack Bauer, David Thorne and Lisbeth Salander, just because crime fighting hacker pranksters don’t necessarily have to be adults… 
Wherein ensured a series of text messages to Tuulikki…
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| March 21st, 2012 by Not Quite Nigella
Last week Mr NQN spent a not so delightful 10 hours at the emergency ward of the Prince of Wales hospital. The poor thing had an accident on his bike on the way home from work and he came home with a gash on his face, abrasions and bruises. The gash was about a centimetre long and we thought that it required stitches (well I’ve never had them but it was bit, it was gushing and it was on his face so we guessed they were necessary).
So with haste I pulled on the nearest dress and a cape (fashion cape, not super hero ) and we went straight to the hospital. When we flew into through the doors of the emergency department people stared (they’re bored I later realised) and I said to Mr NQN “Do I look weird?” “No, it’s probably the cape” he replied before adding “I’m glad you stopped wearing the fangs.” And I know, I know, it’s terrible that I stopped to pause and ask about my appearance when my beloved was bleeding and I’m sure I’m going into the bad wife hell for that.
In case anyone didn’t know, hospitals are depressing places and will test the patience of the most patient, that is Mr NQN. I left at his urging after a few hours and Mr NQN stayed for a lengthy 10 hours. We understood that as his injuries weren’t life threatening and as such, he was low on the priority list although other patients ran and one even skipped when they were called. We tried to find a medical centre but alas none nearby were open at night. At 3am Mr NQN finally lost patience and asked how much longer he would wait. They pretended that they had tried to call him, however he was sitting right in front of them. And the next morning when he should have been getting up for work, after waiting for over 10 hours the doctor gave him 10 minutes of his time, told him he was fine and that he wouldn’t put stitches in and then did a light examination and sent him home. And there was no lollipop given (I asked).
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| March 19th, 2012 by Not Quite Nigella
Mr NQN was telling me about a colleague of his who also moonlights as a model. He was saying how amusing that there was a gigantic poster of said colleague near the office and he also remarked on how disconcerting it must be to have your image in such a large form or to see a picture of your colleague blown up to 10 times their actual size.
“So he must be really good looking right? He’s a face model right?” I asked him.
Mr NQN thought about it for a bit and then shrugged “I dunno. He just looks like a guy to me…” I raised an eyebrow and he quickly added “I can’t tell if guys are good looking you know…”
I snickered. I’ve lost count of the amount of times my friends and I have asked straight male friends if a guy is handsome only to be greeted with exactly the same answer.
“You know it’s totally fine to say if a guy is good looking right? I can tell if a girl is or not…” I prodded.
“Well I can’t tell. I’m going to work on the computer now” he said and wriggled out of the chair and ambled off.
What do men and chicken have in common? Well Mr NQN having grown up in a fresh, raw vegetarian sort of household has a natural inclination against deep fried foods. So when I asked him if he wanted chicken karaage for dinner one night he answered “I don’t know. It’s deep fried isn’t it? I don’t like deep fried food.”
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| March 15th, 2012 by Not Quite Nigella
Did I ever tell you about the day that I was appointed chief of detectives of the egg police? No? It was a several years ago before the blog, on Mr NQN’s birthday and we were having dinner with the Elliotts (cue the music to Jaws please Mr Music). I had organised his birthday at a Japanese restaurant and I was busy trying to negotiate a second language which I barely speak and people were asking me all sorts of questions about the cake, the food they were eating and just general daftness. Then, there was a loud, dramatic gasp and then a cry from Mr NQN’s mother Tuulikki who was sitting next to me. I had apparently let her eat a piece of okonomiyaki, an egg omelette. “Lorraine! How could you let me do that?” she asked me looking at me accusingly and hurt.
“But, but it looks like a pancake or an omelette … and they are two things that you can’t eat as they both have eggs!” I spluttered, my energy completely sapped from the whole experience. Apparently, unbeknownst to me, I had been appointed the chief of detectives of the “Egg Police” and was expected to watch what she would eat and warn her accordingly. From that day on I resigned my position and she was on her own. It was up to her to ask whether an item had egg in it and if she ate it, it was her responsibility.
I know she and I have our moments where the vegan clashes with omnivore but we do get along well as long as we aren’t talking about food. And apart from being an entertaining and charmingly eccentric artist, she also created Mr NQN who is the most wonderful specimen of humandom. Anyway it was Tuulikki’s birthday and I decided to make her an eggless, vegan chocolate cake.
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| March 13th, 2012 by Not Quite Nigella
You felt that, right? The cool, soothing fingers of Autumn weather creeping into our days. I opened the bedroom window the other morning, bristled at the unexpected chilly breeze and closed it quickly. Yesterday, we all waited until the afternoon to see some sunshine poking through the clouds and rain. Rain can be soothing but if you make the mistake of venturing out of the house, rain means chaos and I’m not fond of chaos. And that’s not even counting the parts of NSW that are flooding and the flash floods in Sydney.
I was stuck in traffic one day. I was stressed and needing to buy a loaf of bread and I also needed a chair. A lightbulb came on over my head and I decided to ring my mother handsfree to see if she had any.
“MOTHER I’M DRIVING, DO YOU HAVE ANY BREAD AND A BENTWOOD CHAIR?” I yelled, for no particular reason except to convey the panic I was feeling.
“Bread? Chair? “she asked
“YESS!! BREAD! CHAIR-A BENTWOOD PLEASE!” my panic rising as the light changed to green.
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| March 9th, 2012 by Not Quite Nigella
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