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I’m not normally a fiery tempered person. Don’t mind Mr NQN laughing in the corner, but I promise that don’t lose my temper often but when I do, well, it’s not pretty. This usually happens when dealing long term with exasperating companies that give customers the run around along with poor service or when said companies try and bully customers. But mostly, I’m painfully polite unless repeatedly prodded.
A couple of years ago, Mr NQN had signed a two year contract with an electricity company and they were nothing short of awful. After two years they automatically rolled us over into another two year contract, unbeknownst to us until we received a letter knowing that we were locked in again. I tried calling them but was only met with scorn and attitude and was told “We won’t tell you anything because you didn’t sign the contract with us yourself” even though the property is in both of our names. I would hazard a guess that she wanted to say “ner-ner ner ner-ner” at the end of each sentence such was her sour attitude. And because Mr NQN works in an office and has barely enough time for lunch, we tried emailing them instead and were met with silence both times.
Having had enough we signed up to another supplier, slightly worried that we’d get hit with a “dishonour” fee for getting out of our new contract early as the scornful woman warned me about on the phone. Nevertheless, I forgot about it and last week I was on Hayman Island in the Whitsundays on a conference and feeling terribly relaxed. Swans had just glided past my room when my mobile phone rang.

I’m serious, swans really did glide past my room. You can’t make stuff like this up.
“Hello, it’s <some poor guy> from <terrible electricity provider>. I hear that you’re going to be leaving us. Can I ask why?”

I cocked my head and I thought about it. My relaxed state egged me on to release the demons. So I did.
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Every year when Mother’s Day comes around, I start thinking of places to take my mother to. The first idea always starts with afternoon tea (hmmm I must admit that many food ideas start with afternoon tea) and starting a day’s eating with an afternoon tea is really the best sort of start you can have. One our recent trip to the Yarra Valley, Mr NQN and I decided to go back to place of one of our favourite stays a couple of years ago. Chateau Yering was where we participated in our first truffle hunt, had a delicious dinner by candlelight after a blackout and vowed that we would definitely come back.

Afternoon tea needs to be booked ahead of time and it is a $55 a head including sparkling wine. We take our tea in the Drawing Room, a blue hued room filled with restored antique furniture and we sit on the lounge opposite the fireplace. The menu for the high tea changes regularly according to the pastry chef Simon Docherty’s ideas and it starts with a glass of Yering Station’s Yarra Bank Late Disgorged sparkling wine. The 2004 drop is delicious with delicate bubbles and a true honeyed sweetness to it.

The sandwiches and savouries come out first-on three plates no less (and yes, this is the typical serving size for two!). The first plate contains three items: a divine prosciutto wrapped duck roulade with beetroot gel, a creamy rich feta mousse tart and a petite squirt of duck liver parfait on crouton-delicious but I would have loved a bit more on the bread.

There are two types of triple decker sandwiches on the plate: a Mediterranean char grilled vegetable and cheese sandwich and a Virginia ham, Yarra Valley Cheddar and tomato sandwich. Each sandwich type comes in a white and wholemeal bread. The bread is super fresh, there are no crusted over portions here and the fillings for both are generous. The char grilled vegetables are moist and full of flavour but I think the wholemeal ham and cheddar sandwiches spread with mayo just pipped them at the post for me. What can I say? I’m a ham for ham! And Mr NQN notes that while afternoon tea often leaves him hungry, having one and a half triple decker sandwiches per person left him patting his stomach happily.

The third plate features two individual portions of the chicken, tarragon and mayonnaise rolls. The chicken is finely shredded and blended with the mayonnaise and it’s served on a freshly baked rectangular roll. The only thing would be just a bit more chicken in the sandwich to make the ratio fit.

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I’ve finally capitulated. I’ve finally done something that I’ve effectively managed to put off for my whole life. I was sitting at a lunch one day and I looked around. Other food writers were popping cholesterol pills and talking about the perils of their job. Chins wobbled, cherubic faces shook with sympathy and I realised that if I didn’t already look like that, I would perhaps soon.
So Dear Reader, I got a personal trainer. I know, it’s sooo not me.
I approached it with trepidation, shopping around. The first place I rang was very nice but didn’t have a PT available during the time that I wanted. I know myself very well by now and if I have to get up at the crack of dawn, I won’t so I tried a second one. They didn’t ask me any questions about what I wanted, they just asked me to come into their Surry Hills location to see what they were all about. Again, I know that if I have to travel somewhere (a suburb where there’s no parking) I generally won’t. The third call was promising and I hit the jackpot and a few days later, I had my first lesson.

A strange part of me was excited about it. My trainer Nina is sweet and enthusiastic but tough and won’t let me get away with anything. My first session left my muscles aching and Mr NQN found me at home on the bed moaning. “I tried to put up the laundry but my arms couldn’t….there are no pegs on anything, NO PEGS I tell ya!” I told him desperately and dramatically waving my hands spirit-fingers style because my arms wouldn’t move.
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“In the nineties, I had an erotic dream about Kim Beazley…” Marcia says to Natasha and I one evening. I almost spurt out my drink and then try to scrub the visual from my mind. It’s times like this when I’m glad that we’re sitting outside, the busy Sydney Friday night around us muffling our somewhat sordid and not-for-public-consumption conversation. We’re at Tapavino in Circular Quay, in Bulletin Place, a snug little laneway that to be honest I never knew existed that is pitched right next to a hotel. Inside is a red hued wine bar with a shiny display of glasses on the back wall but we’re sitting al fresco in this slightly chilly but still lovely Friday evening.

Cristina Oloroso Abocado sherry $9
Tapavino is said to be Australia’s first dedicated Jerez or Sherry bar with 54 sherries on the menu with 46 available by the glass. Patrons can tell them what sort of wine they usually enjoy and they will match them to a suitable sherry. They also specialise in Spanish wines by the glass or three carafe sizes or bottles. I do love a drop of Pedro Ximenez so I flick through to the sherry pages. On the waiter’s recommendation I try a Cristina Oloroso Abocado which is medium dry scented sherry although truth be told I should have really stuck with the Sánchez Romate Pedro Ximenez which was sublime with an intense raisin flavour, incredible legs and that went down as smooth as silk.

Razor clams $16
We’re on a tiny table for the three of us although it seems that we’re lucky to have this table given the shuffling that’s taking place around us for other tables. The menu is quite extensive and holds an intriguing and hard to choose list of menu items. Between the three of us, we decide on a list of four items and then thought that we should compare them to our friendly waiter’s recommendation. It turns out that there were none in common so we went with our own choices. Our first was the razor clam dish served as six razor clams topped with verdant mashed peas and broadbeans, eschallots and thin, crispy pieces of jamon. They were full of fresh flavours.

Pata Negra $30
There’s a jamon menu with eight different plates of jamon, mostly jamon serrano but as soon as I see Pata Negra, I can see nothing else on the list. Oh my kingdom for Pata Negra or Jamon Iberico, that incredible glossy jamon made from pigs that feast on black acorns. Yes, it’s expensive but it’s quality over quantity and the intense flavour and melt in the mouth texture is hard to find in other jamon. It is served here with fresh crusty bread and breadsticks.

Sardines de Compostela $17
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